The One Thing that is our First Love!

Hi there! Remember me? Wow, it has been some time since I shared my life with . . . you. I may not even know who you are, but here I go again letting you in on who I am and on my relationship with God, Jesus Messiah, and Holy Spirit. Sorry that I have been away so long. The darkness swallowed me up again and left me isolated and isolating. But, I am back!

I really want to share a little bit of what is going on in my heart. And I guess I do it here because it really doesn't matter if you understand or not; this is a safe place. With some of my family and friends, I am afraid to share what is going on in my heart for fear that they will judge me, shake their heads, and become suspicious of me. With others, I just doubt that they will understand or care about this. (“This is just one more of mom’s crazy notions.) Maybe you will fall into one of those two categories, but for some reason that is OK because I cannot read your thoughts on your face. I cannot see the glazing over of your eyes and the look of concern coming over your features. (Have to laugh at myself here because it is probable that I am making way too much out of this and you will all be thinking, "Is she serious? What is the big deal? Boy, does she take herself way too serious or what?" But for me it seems to be a pretty big thing. It is my life after all, and I believe that it is this with which the Lord has burdened me.)

I guess I'll start by giving a little background on where all this is coming from:

Quite some time ago I realized that the way we currently "do church" is a far cry from the descriptions of the New Testament. (Reading the Bible can be a dangerous thing if you want to go along with the traditional "church" ideals of the American culture.) I began to long for a Christian experience of the body that was more informal, participatory, relational, and devotional. I imagined the bonds of love and relationship that such a body would experience both within the body and with the Lord. The standard fare of rousing "worship," entertaining "messages," and programmed "ministry" became less satisfying and more frustrating for me.

Because my relationship with God had long ago been reborn as something more relational, experiential and life-encompassing, I longed to be a part of a church that was more excited about a love-relationship with Christ than it is about discovering our gifts, getting involved in ministry, measuring "church growth," and developing an obvious "community outreach." Please understand that I am all for reaching the lost and ministering to the needs of others! But my longing is to see believers become disciples and lovers of Christ Jesus Himself, to see them following Him and seeking the fullness of His presence in their daily lives. I am not as interested in leading them to join my church, teaching them to fit in, getting them involved in ministry, and breaking them of their bad habits. (Are your eyes glazing over yet? Are you shaking your head wondering what sort of heretic I am or am becoming? Well, hold onto your hats, it may be worse than you can imagine.)

You may be interested to know that my life's verse is: "One thing have I desired of the Lord and that will I seek, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life to behold the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His tabernacle." Psalm 27:4. I chose that verse (or perhaps God gave it to me) because above all things my heart's longing is to see His face, to see His glory, to know HIM personally. My heart also resonates with Christ’s words to the church at Ephesus in Revelation: “I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.” Revelation 2:2-4. “Remember the height from which you have fallen!” I believe our first love for Christ Jesus is the highest blessing of the gospel. So you can see the core desires that drive my heart, desires I had locked in a box in order to do away with the frustration and to fit into the church culture around me.

OK, so getting back to the events that have led me to where I currently find myself Not long ago, I heard that a friend from church was going to start a group called "MORE;" and it sounded as though it might be something along the lines of what I am hungering for, a more New-Testament, body-of-Christ gathering. I went to the first few meetings, and discovered that rather than an experience of the body of Christ, the group's focus was on getting believers off the side lines and into service, which as usual means outreach and activism. All well and good, but not what I was looking for.

Then, my pastor began a 3-session, 3-month group called "Now What," which also peaked my interest as I thought it might be about developing and growing in our walk with Christ, deepening our relationship and commitment to Him. The group was assigned the reading of the book, "Holy Discontent," by Bill Hybels. If you know anything about this book or Bill Hybels' ministry, you probably already know what my response was to the assignment. "Holy Discontent" is Bill Hybels’ call for Christians to look within themselves and to see what it is that drives them crazy. He then sends them out to do something about it, to right the wrongs. What I understood from his book is that God, will be so happy to find someone that shares His discontent in this area that He will join them in restoring that part of the world. Now, believe me, I know what amazing insanity it is for someone like me to disagree with a world-renown minister, but I have some real issues with his ideas on this subject. For me, ministry is so much more about God’s will and God’s leading and God’s calling than it is with my discontent. Needless to say, I dropped out of the group.

These two circumstances did accomplish something in my life; they began to stir the embers in my heart that had been near to extinction. I almost felt as though I was waking up.

Meanwhile, the dear couple who have been such an encouragement to my life began a new group study at church based on a book by John Piper, "God is the Gospel." (BTW, I highly recommend the book. It is a much better book than the other.) After reading the back cover of the book, I realized that I had to be a part of the group even though I was already feeling overwhelmed by the studies I am participating in. The book served to bring my frustration/longing into focus and to reawaken my hearts desire to see the church of Christ return to its "First Love." We’re just on lesson three and I feel alive again! Oh, it isn’t just the study; it is that my relationship with God has been reawakened!

So, anyway, I think I’ll end here with giving you an idea of how I have gotten to this place, and hopefully, I can find time to sit down and continue to share what is in my heart in the next couple of days.

Love for Christ Jesus and for you,
Ev

~~ The One Thing that is our First Love. ~~



Visit my other pages:
A Day in the Life:http://ev-dayinthelife.blogspot.com/
Bible Studies:http://ev-study.blogspot.com/