God is so amazing that sometimes it is just plain funny!!!
Yesterday was just one of those days! My son and his family have been visiting, and it has been an WONDERFUL time!
But yesterday, something changed. I don't know what it was, but something changed. I felt it. And, as is my natural self-centered tendency, I thought it was my fault. I thought that 'once again' I had done something wrong and made everyone mad at me.
I have realized though that whatever is going on, it 'may not' have anything to do with me at all, and all I can do is ride it out. Sadly, this is the last day for their visit, and it is a shame that the last day will be like this. And I wish so much that I could fix everything and make everyone happy again.
OK, anyway, the situation itself isn't the reason for my post. I think we have all had situations like this, and it will pass and things will get back to the way they were (Please, God, make it soon!)
The point is that throughout my life, I have lived with this feeling of rejection. Either someone is/has rejected me, or I am afraid they will. And, either I have actually been rejected or I imagine I am being rejected. DOH!!! (Very sad and lonely way to live.)
If I can describe it, it is like being isolated.
As a child in my loving family, I felt that everyone in the family was interwoven together and yet I was somehow kind of a hanger-on, not quite one of the 'core group' rather just on the outside and barely hanging on. I married the first man that came along, a man I KNEW was marrying me for citizenship, a man who basically told me straight out that he didn't love me. I married him because I knew there would be no other man who would want me for any reason at all.
I have 3 wonderful sons, and if there is anyone in this world that ever made me feel loved, it is them. And yet, I don't know, I can't explain it, I live in constant fear that they will walk away, rather that I will do something that pushes them away. And when something happens that seems to reinforce this, I am just devastated, while also having a sense that 'it was just a matter of time.'
Now, before I have you all either feeling sorry for me OR shaking your heads at my self-centered, self-pitying ramblings, let me say that I KNOW I have been so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful LOVING people!!! People, who despite my self-centered craziness, show me love and acceptance. I just somehow don't quite receive it, and I tend to pull away rather than face the possibility that they will. (It SEEMS less painful to pull away and be alone rather than going through the worst pain in all the world - personal rejection, actual, face-to-face rejection, with public rejection being the worst).
So, last night, I sat in my room crying and feeling helpless and alone. I had asked my son if he/they were mad at me, and he said 'no', but I was sure they were. What else could cause the feeling I was experiencing. It had to be my fault! So I cried and felt sorry for myself, and I rehearsed in my mind the rejections I have felt in the past and how I must really deserve to be unwanted.
But in the very midst of the pain, something occurred to me. (Was it Holy Spirit speaking?) I realized that throughout my entire life, I have NEVER ONCE felt rejected by God. Oh, I have done my share of failing, of backsliding, of getting totally into the world. But at my WORST, I never once felt rejection coming from my God. That doesn't mean He endorsed my behavior or that He encouraged me to continue in it. But as much as I KNEW I was grieving Him, I NEVER ONCE felt that He even turned His eyes away from me in disgust. (This may be total theological heresy, but I am simply sharing what I have experienced!)
I think I have said it once before, I feel so blessed to have lived a life of knowing God from my very first memories, and throughout my entire life. I do not recall one moment of my life when I have ever felt without Him. And this realization that in all that time He has NEVER ONCE rejected me, is so big for me. And, I am thinking that it may be a source of hope for me in overcoming this lifelong struggle with rejection. Not sure how it will work, but I believe that is where I need to start to reshape my thinking.
But the Amazing part of this that seems to me almost funny is that this morning, looking through the FB posts on my timeline, I came across a message series by Derek Prince on Rejection!!!! Already learning so much, and I intend to listen to the messages a few times to get every bit I can from them. But I am also going to be praying specifically for God's deliverance from this. I need my bunker of self-protection to come down. I want to be able to enjoy being with others without the over-riding fear of doing something that will cause them to reject me. And I want to stop looking at every situation as if everyone's happiness and mood depends on me.
Link to Derek Prince's message on rejection:
http://www.derekprince.org/Group/Group.aspx?ID=1000065823
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
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