Something Different!

OK, I did something very . . . ummmm, different. Last night I went out to a singles' dance. A new acquaintance told me about a group called "Calculated Couples" that they participated in and they thought I might enjoy it. I was pretty excited about it, and even went out an got a couple of new dresses as my wardrobe is bordering on the shabby.

Well, I went last night and, boy, all the memories of past efforts at the singles' scene came rushing back to me. "What was I thinking," went through my mind more than once.

As usual, the group was heavily lopsided with way more women than men. And, maybe it was just my imagination, but there was an atmosphere of anxiety in the room.

I was a little (more than a little) disappointed that no one asked me to dance, although the women around me were approached numerous times. Started feeling, "What is wrong with me?" Well, I know that I am overweight, which I know feeds my insecurities big time. But I am by no means hideous. But I have realized the past few years that I project something that is un-attractive (that does not attract the opposite sex). Not quite sure what it is, but I know that I have it.

Well, actually, I do have a clue. There was one time when I actually did attract the attention of a guy I met at a wedding. And, I believe the reason I did was because when we first met, I was totally uninterested in him and was not trying to attract him. So, I am thinking that the problem is that guys can tell when you are anxious or insecure, and it is a turn off.

You probably know that I have been divorced for about 14 years now. Since that time, I vacillate between "Oh, God, I am so lonely, and I really long to experience true love in my life just once before I die," and "Lord, I guess it is not your will for me to find anyone for companionship and support. Perhaps you want me to rely only on You. I am content with that, Lord."

I guess the truth is, I am somewhat content with my life, and I could finish out my life without a "relationship" if that is God's will. And, I can recognize the benefits of the single-life. When I was married, I struggled so much with being faithful to God and yet also giving my time and attention to my husband. As Paul said,

He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please [his] wife. 1 Cor 7:32-33

But now and again, the longing comes over me for that intimate relationship with whom I have truly become "one flesh," with one who loves and respects and encourages me at the most personal levels, and whom I can respect and support and love. Having been married for 23 years, I never really experienced that. (And I know that many married women never experience that.) Yet, that is the longing.

I guess I need to spend some time with the Lord and find out once and for all what it is He really wants for me. Haven't really asked Him. Could I be avoiding asking Him because I don't want to know, or am afraid of what He will say? Hmmm. I don't think so. But you know, the truth is, it is always so much easier to just go about doing what I want to do rather than taking the time and the risk of sitting down with God to find out what He has to say.

So, I guess that is my answer. And if I remember and if I have the time to write about it, I'll let you know what God has to say.

In my flesh, my idea is to go at least once or twice more, with the idea of discovering that place inside of me that is so un-attractive and to deal with it. To overcome that insecurity and that form of desperation that rears its head every now and then. And, to finally let go of the longing and the indecision.

Ev