Selfish??

Sometimes it is so hard to figure things out. You feel if you go one way, you're selfish. But if you go the other way, you are losing your grip on the most important thing in the world.

Wow, if I didn't know what I was talking about, I would read those words with amazement at my self-centeredness. I guess the way that I have phrased it makes it sound as though I am the most important thing is the world. NOT what I am talking about at all!

The study "God is the Gospel" that I am involved in right now is so on-track with my own personal viewpoint that it just makes my heart want to sing and dance, and yet it keeps calling me in deeper and deeper. It is exactly where I want to go!

So, in my prayer this morning, I was just expressing to God my longing for more of HIM! In our most recent DVD portion of the study, John Piper said that to pleasing God or doing good is ANYTHING that we do as an expression of our love for Him. EVERYTHING that flows from our love and satisfaction in HIM is a good work!

I try to do that, I really do, but boy does life come crashing in as soon as I turn away from that place of prayer. I so quickly forget my heart's desire to love Him in everything I do, and I go back to doing things in my own strength and from my own will. God seems to be no where in the mix.

I have read and tried to follow Brother Lawrence's path of "Practicing the Presence" of God, living every moment of the day in the experience of His presence in every moment, every action do unto Him. But as I said, I am so quickly and easily distracted. I want to "pray without ceasing," but again, I barely get an amen into my days.

Remember, I tell myself, I am not to be molded into anyone else's image, not Brother Lawrence's, not my pastor's, not any one of those saints whose lives are such an example of devotion. I remind myself not to be condemned by the "spirituality" and the discipline of others. But at the same time, I long for God to draw me near so that I might "behold His beauty" as much as possible and hear His voice whenever He wants to speak to me.

This morning, I felt God speak to my heart: "Go to the mountains." And I wondered what that meant. I did remember that Jesus often went up on the mountains to be alone with His Father.

Then I heard Him say, "Go to the mountains, pass through the valleys. I am there! Hold tight to what you have and cry out for more!"

Lord, I am crying out for more of You in me!

But as I said, then I think, perhaps I am being selfish! Is this longing for more of Him in my life selfishness? Should I be more concerned with the needs of others? Should I stop wanting more and be giving more? Yet, is there anything greater than HIM in our lives? NO! And I want more of Him! Yes, I am perhaps selfish, but the alternative seems so bleak.

Love,
Ev

The One Thing that is our First Love!