Depression - A State of Mind

Dearest Friends:

I want to apologize to many of you who responded to my previous email. I intended to write back to you thanking you for your concern and letting you know that I am perhaps not as badly off as I may have led you to believe. However, I seem to be having such a difficult time writing or even talking about this place I am in at the moment, so much so that I have been putting off my responses hoping things would improve.

This is so difficult to write or talk about, so forgive me if this comes off disjointed (I keep deleting and rewriting sentences). Again, thank you all so much for your loving concern and your encouragement in response to that email. You bless me more than you will ever know.

So, where am I? I have been asking myself the same question. I am better. The sadness, anxiety, and trouble focusing have lifted. I am able to cope with my day to day life again. But I am not where I would hope to be. It is rather like being dissociated a little from the normal ups and downs of life. I am no longer sad or anxious, but neither am I happy and interested in life. Even the most exciting events seem like a lot of work. The passion of my life has become uninteresting or just too much bother, and curling up with my covers pulled up over my head seems much more appealing.

I am OK though, so you do not have to worry about me.

I wrote the above about 3 days ago and saved it as a draft because I got busy with work AND because it was so hard to write or to even know what I wanted to say.

For the past couple of days I have been feeling a bit better, so I thank God. I read something that I think helped a little, I found it in my "Mini-Me Journal." I had it written down, but I cannot remember if it was a quote or if it was something that God had impressed on me directly at the time.

When it feels as though God has gone or is hiding, think of Him as standing just behind you, just out of sight, ready to catch you, teaching you to trust that He will always be there for you.

I tend to think it is something that I wrote down at some point because it is such a run-on sentence. LOL! It is so easy when you are not hearing God's voice (whether it is that He isn't speaking or that you aren't listening) to feel as though you are on your own. It is NEVER true. When you are His child, He is always right there with you, always ready to catch you and to bless you.

I have also been helped by the study we are doing on Wednesday nights, Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby. He gives some good direction for when you are in a time of God's silence:

• Pray through a sin checklist (in other words, examine your heart for any unconfessed sin). Confess and repent, making things right.
• Continue doing the last thing God told you, as well as the things you know to do. (reading/studying the Bible, prayer, fellowship with other believers, etc.).
• Go back to God believing that He will let you know what is happening when and if you need to know. In other words, Ask Him and trust Him.
• Put away discouragement, guilt, and self-pity.
• Adjust your life to an attitude of hopeful expectation, faith and trust. Expectation that God is doing something deep in your life.

So, as I said, I am feeling a bit better. Again, I am so sorry for not responding sooner to everyone. It is such a difficult place to be, so hard to communicate and reach out to others. So difficult to even get your thoughts straight or to know what you are thinking/feeling. I love you all and thank you all so much for your prayers, your concern, your encouragement, and your love!!

Love,
Ev